your first date: a Valentine’s PSA

Meet Phil. Hiya, Phil!




Valentine’s day is almost here, and Phil is about to go on a First Date. Are you excited, Phil?




Phil, dating is just like a sporting event. It’s all about scoring and it’s uncomfortable to watch women try. Now, remember, if you’re gonna ask out that lucky lady, you’d better do it quick! Best to try for this weekend. With February just around the corner, she’ll feel like you’re genuinely interested in her, and not just avoiding the loneliness and desperation you’re obligated to feel as a single man on Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry, though, we know the truth.

Now, in case there are any ladies here who can read, remember: he needs to ask you out. You don’t want to seem abrasive by deciding to express your feelings. Besides, you wouldn’t want him to think you’ve got a mind of your own, now would you? Of course not. Remember, girls who speak their minds are either desperate or…



But let’s get back to you, Phil.

Say now Phil, see that pretty dame over there? Why don’t you go on and ask her out? Sure, you don’t know a thing about her, but that’s ok. So long as you’re using the part of your brain that lights up for shiny objects, you’ll be just fine. What’s that? What if she says no? Well I’ve got good news for you, Phil: she doesn’t have a choice! That’s right, as the man this entire process is completely up to you! After all, we’re not talking periods here. Who am I kidding, she doesn’t have a say in those either!




Well, Phil, it’s time for the big night. You’ll want to give her flowers at the door. Or chocolates. Or, better yet, give her both! The flowers will overwhelm her delicate feminine mind and she’ll forget she’s way out of your league.  And the chocolates will subtly plant within her pretty little head that you’re a provider. Why, she may want to have your babies then and there!




You’ll want to continue your successful deception– I mean, your First Date by treating her to a fancy dinner that costs more than your last paycheck. Sure, your taste buds don’t actually have a preference between a Big Mac and a filet mignon, but this is America, golly darn it, and she’ll never respect you as a man if you only buy things you can afford.

Make sure you keep the conversation completely superficial. If at the end of the night all you know is where she’s from, how big her family is, how tall she is, everywhere she’s ever lived, where she works, where she shops, what her favorite hobbies are and what her parents do for a living, you’ll have successfully gathered enough information to either continue your budding romance or stalk her.




Oh and remember, throughout the night be sure to open all her doors, order her meal, pay for everything, and drive everywhere you go. When she sees that you’ll be able to care for her when she’s too old to use the toilet alone, you’ll win her heart for sure!

The end of your date is just as important as the beginning. There’s a subtle game that needs to be played. You don’t want to show her that you actually like her; that would make you look like an idiot. No, the best thing you can do is tread a thin line between flirting and unadulterated loathing. For instance, bid her an affectionate goodnight, but make sure you don’t text her until she’s positive the date was a disaster.




Congratulations Phil! You’re now ready to go on a First Date! Just remember, nothing says “First Date” like the archaic rituals of a misogynistic culture. This is Clark Ellis hoping you have a great February and a happy Valentine’s Day.

6 thoughts on “your first date: a Valentine’s PSA

  1. Archaic rituals of a misogynistic culture? Really? I’m sorry that you feel this way.

    While reading, I’m still unsure if you are trying to be sincere or sarcastic. Maybe it is both. If you cloak your sincerity in irony, no one can accuse you of defending anything.

    Liked by 1 person

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