I, Clark Regalius Tiberius Awesomus Ellis, on this day the Twenty-First of January in the Two-Thousand and Sixteenth year of our Lord, do hereby resolve to the following:
1. Get paid to write. I shall, within this year’s time, surpass my current station as merely a writer of words to achieve yon lofty status of professional author. So let it be resolved.
2. Get a girlfriend. I shall, before year’s end, be party to a mutual romantic endeavor with a female in whose eyes I have found favor. So let it be resolved.
3. Get fit. I shall, whilst yet this year passes, get totes swole, bro. Like, 200-210 lbs is about right. So let it be resolved
4. Get accepted. I shall, preparatory to the coming of the new year, obtain the acceptance of the graduate school of my choosing. Preferably in New York. So let it be resolved.
5. Get involved. I shall, ere December loom ever nearer, begin my journey into lifelong politick by engaging in local affairs. So let it be resolved.
Thus, therefore, verily and henceforth, all those privy to this binding document are hereby bound to hold my a** accountable for these resolutions. May all who fail in this sacred duty forever be cursed with a spotty wifi connection and unskippable ads before every youtube video. Amen.