There is no way– NO WAY– in which Thanksgiving is better than Christmas. Like, maybe you don’t like it for some personal reason, but speaking purely objectively, logically, and scientifically CHRISTMAS IS EIGHT BAJILLION TIMES BETTER. Here are
1. IT’S MOTHERLOVING CHRISTMAS.
Thanksgiving: paper turkeys in various brown-matching colors. Maybe a cornucopia. And, like, four songs? Don’t ask me to name them. Christmas: LIGHTS AND ORNAMENTS AND SNOWMEN AND MISTLETOE AND CAROLS AND PAPER SNOWFLAKES AND COLORS AND CHRISTMAS TREES AND SANTA AND CHRISTMAS MOVIES AND CHRISTMAS TV SPECIALS AND GINGERBREAD HOUSES AND PRESENTS EVERYTHING SPARKLES AND SANTA!!!!
2. Ham is Better Than Turkey.
Oh come on, we’ve all been thinking it our whole lives. Turkey is good, but it’s not that good. It’s a fine meat, sure (and heaven knows that cajun-fried bird I had in Arkansas couldn’t be handled with just one serving), but honestly when all’s said and done I find myself in baited anticipation for momma’s Christmas ham. Here’s a little riddle for you: what do you get when you take the size and scope of Thanksgiving dinner and give it a better entree? Oh that’s right, CHRISTMAS DINNER.
3. Birthday of the Unconquered Sun
Glad you asked– this is the translated name of the original December 25 pagan celebration. AND IT SOUNDS FREAKING AWESOME. Here’s the point; even if you don’t subscribe to the Christian yuletide traditions, a pagan holiday celebrating the UNCONQUERED SUN is still waaaaaay better than pilgrims commemorating the start of native genocide with a dinner that may or may not have actually happened.
4. Bing Crosby
Just think about this for a second– if we were to suck all value and meaning out of both holidays, what would we have left? With Thanksgiving we’d have food and football, a pleasant evening if I’ve ever heard one. But with Christmas, we’d have LIGHTS AND ORNAMENTS AND SNOWMEN AND MISTLETOE AND CAROLS AND PAPER SNOWFLAKES AND COLORS AND CHRISTMAS TREES AND SANTA AND CHRISTMAS MOVIES AND CHRISTMAS TV SPECIALS AND GINGERBREAD HOUSES AND PRESENTS EVERYTHING SPARKLES AND SAAAAANNNTTTTAAAAAAA!!!!
Ok but honestly I don’t want to get rid of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is great! It’s just that if we’re trying to make it compete for attention with Christmas, it WILL LOSE EVERY TIME. Here’s all I’m saying: let’s just accept Thanksgiving for what it really is– pre-Christmas– and instead of being grumpy for a month because people are putting lights and trees up, lets just have TWO WHOLE MONTHS of thanks and merriment and pure unadulterated joy! It’d just be like, as soon as Halloween gets over we’d jump full-throttle into Christmas magic, take a day/weekend break in November to eat a giant meal and watch football and give thanks, and then just keep the train rolling right into December! Who’s with me!!?
On an unrelated note, I started listening to Michael Buble’s Christmas album this week. Because I can and you can suck it.