It’s about time for me to join the presidential race. And by “join” I mean make snarky comments from now til next November. I’ll start with a few observations from the GOP debate that went down two weeks ago. You may read these as alternate titles for this post.
Ms. Fiorina goes to Washington
Folks, Carly “Furiosa” Fiorina (yeah, I just came up with that) means business. Pun intended. Amidst the typical political milieu of glittery rhetoric (get to that later) this woman didn’t hesitate to lay out concrete plans for nearly every question leveled at her. I’m not saying I agree with her, but boy just look at her go:
Kanye West Will Break America
No, I’m not referring to the VMA comment that has everybody nervous-laughing and praying to every force in the universe he wasn’t serious. The incident does illustrate my point, though— you ever wonder why Kanye keeps getting paid to say ridiculous things? It’s because we all keep telling him to shut up. He’s pop culture’s obnoxious little brother. And it’s for that very reason Trump is leading the polls.
Rationally, I don’t think we’d ever be dumb enough to put Trump in the White House. But then there’s that nasty little voice in the back of my head that says we’re just going to keep giving him the attention he craves all the way through November. Speaking of which…
Trump V Bush
Like, seriously. Just watch it. Best laugh I’ve had in a while.
Also watch for the “Trump Effect”, my tentative name for what I predict is going to happen to any other candidate with whom Trump seems to be friendly. If you’re wondering what the effect is, you should know the other name in the running is the “Trump Death Sentence”.
Glitter and Fluff
Every political debate is composed of about 3% substantial material and about 92% hollow rhetoric (the other 5% is just the phrase “I’m the only one”). By this I mean all the nice little buzz-words that make us want to watch fireworks and eat apple pie without actually meaning anything— well, actually, here’s what they mean…
They say: “I can’t be bought like Washington”
They mean: “Some of the people who give me money are different than some of the people who give Obama money so you see it’s different”
They say: “America will be #1 again”
They mean: “I really really really want to be in charge of the big red button”
They say: “It’s time to give America back to the people”
They mean: “I’m spending a lot of money right now to make you think your vote counts. I’m hoping you’ll stop paying attention after the election’s over”
They say: “I remember when Ronald Reagan…”
They mean: “Even though I’m not going to do anything he did, every time I say his name I get a complimentary 5 more votes”
They say: “I will defend the constitution”
They mean: “I’m banking on the fact that most of you haven’t actually read it”
Stay tuned for more of those to come. Can’t wait to cover the Democrats. For now, I’ll end with a solemn plea not to let the joke that is Donald Trump outlive its punchline.