How To: Parties

Whether you’re starting the school year or it’s business as usual, party season is upon us. Which means you’re going to need to know

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While there are many types of parties (some of them are even fun), I’m talking about The Party— you know, the one thrown by somebody you don’t really know for some vague reason, where everybody is invited to invite everybody, and you’re not sure why you’re there or what you’re supposed to do. That’s where I come in.

  • For starters, just be yourself. Unless yourself sucks. Then be somebody who doesn’t suck. I mean, don’t be fake or deceptive or anything, just a little self-aware (not insecure, there’s a difference).

  • Friend then food. Remember these words. If you walk into a party and immediately have something to do, either you’re the reason for the party or it’s an ambush in which case what are you doing RUN!!! But I digress. When you walk into the party, first find your friend— whoever is responsible for your being there; second, hit up the food table— you don’t actually have to eat, just grab something and pretend to enjoy it while you scan the scene. This will give you a chance to make a game plan as well as keep your hands from doing anything awkward in the meantime.


  • When I say “game plan” I mean find your thing and go do that thing. There is a time and a place to learn new things. This is neither. This is most certainly not the time nor place to have a go at using dancing muscles you’ve never used before. Again, a little self-awareness; keep it in your wheelhouse.

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  • This is a big one: know how to handle The Guitar. As an inevitability of life among hormone-driven sapiens, at some point in the night somebody’s going to pull out a guitar. When this happens four types of people will emerge.

(1) The first person to grab the guitar. Don’t be this person. Either they’re an insufferable show-off or they’re about to play Wonderwall.

tumblr_n0cjzrXOaX1tp7y6jo1_1280(2) One of the vultures waiting for a pause just long enough to snatch the guitar away because nobody was paying attention to them for three whole minutes. Also don’t be this person.

Yeah I know they're not vultures get over it
Yeah I know they’re not vultures get over it

(3) One of the wide-eyed lemmings surrounding the guitar-player due to some misplaced sense of awkward. Also don’t be these people.

…last night got weird

(4) You. Or, at least, you if you play your cards right. Stand off a bit. Try to look like you appreciate what’s happening, but also your drink’s pretty good too so really it’s a toss up. If executed correctly, someone will feel compelled to ask you if you play. Before you know it they’ve shoved the guitar in your hand and you’re all, “oh no I couldn’t… ok maybe just one song”.

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  • If all steps thus far have been observed, you should now be face to face with an attractive human. This means you’ve won. Cuz let’s be real— the only reason you came tonight was the chance of meeting an attractive human. So congratulations. Now get their number and go home before you embarrass yourself. Party’s over.
Well, ok, maybe not straight home...
Well, ok, maybe not straight home…

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