Down the rabbit hole, part 4: second star to the right

Once upon a time (that’s how these things go, you know) there was a lost boy. As lost boys tend to do, he ran away with Peter Pan to neverland. After many, many adventures too grand for words, he left neverland and grew up. He never forgot, though, and eventually returned to the island and to Peter. The boy’s name? James Hook. Care to come down the rabbit hole with me? giphy (21) The first thing I’m going to do is present the evidence. The second thing I’m going to do is weave a tale so freaking awesome that you’ll want to pay me money to write a screenplay, to which I’ll say, “yeah, ok. That sounds pretty freaking awesome.” t-shirt-challenge-accepted-barney-stinson-white Disney opens their 1953 classic with some cliché-setting narration. While completely unnecessary to the story, it creates the perfect basis for my argument. In the soliloquy, the nice British voice says that “all this has happened before,” a fact confirmed at the end when Mr. Darling remembers the flying ship. Speaking of the father, the narrator tells us that while he is a practical man (thus unbelieving of Peter Pan) Mrs. Darling believes Peter is the “spirit of youth”. Meanwhile the children “believed Peter Pan was a real person”. And since this is Disney and parents are dumb and kids are right, we can know for certain that in this universe Peter is indeed real, and that this sort of thing has indeed happened before. I’m simply proposing that one of those befores happened to involve a boy named James Hook who eventually grew up to be Peter’s greatest adversary.

The one time Disney actually gives their kids a father and he's an a**hole
The one time Disney actually gives their kids a father and he’s an a**hole

Now, I already know the two things that all of you J.M. Barrie aficionados are itching to say: (1) James Hook’s name isn’t really Hook, and (2) Barrie himself said that the Peter/Hook rivalry began with the whole crocodile hand-eating incident. As for #1, yeah I know but Barrie never actually gave a real name so gimme a break. As for #2, it still does not explain why Peter and Hook were fighting in the first place. images In fact, there are a few questions we need answered about the infamous captain. For instance, where did they come from? The pirates in general, I mean. The first time we meet Mr. Smee he nearly takes a knife to the rear because the crew wants to go back to their piratey lives that apparently existed pre-neverland.

New life goal: learn how to throw knifes with my feet
New life goal: learn how to throw knifes with my feet

Also, how would Hook know where to find neverland? It’s not exactly the kind of place you stumble into halfway across the Atlantic. I mean, you have to be able to fly (and breathe in space?) to even get there! So let’s assume Hook already knew the way, which could only mean he’d been there before. tumblr_lggj3fjE8k1qzahuvo1_500 All of this comes together more clearly in a single scene, when Hook is tricking Tinkerbell into revealing Peter’s hideout. There, he not only displays his textbook knowledge of the island, but also demonstrates fluency in pixie speech, an ability previously shared only by the lost boys. Also, don’t you think it’s weird that Tink doesn’t ever try to run away in that scene? Clearly she is able to move as she pleases, yet she just sits and listens to Hook play the piano— almost as if they were old friends. Combine all that with the familiarity Pan and Hook have for each others’ tactics and weaknesses, and suddenly we’ve uncovered a back story that would make George Lucas drool. Here it goes…

Admit it, you played the song in your head
Admit it, you played the song in your head

James was an orphan in the streets of London. Even without a penny to his name, he dreamed of traveling the world. One day, while running from the authorities (as is a common activity among street urchins) James hid in Kensington Gardens. There he met an unusual boy named Peter. Peter showed James all about magic and panpipe playing, while the fairies immediately saw James’s pure goodness and welcomed him readily. As the fairies told stories of their home, neverland, James grew increasingly eager to see it for himself. Finally he convinced the change-resistant Peter to go. The fairies were so excited to go home that they taught the boys to fly and took them away, second star to the right and straight on ’til morning. After many, many adventures too grand for words, James grew restless with the island paradise. He wanted to travel, see the world. Peter, of course, wanted to stay forever. The boys parted ways, James promising to come back someday. Back in London, he boarded the first ship that would take him as a deckhand and set sail to travel the globe. Even though the sailor’s life agreed with James, a large part of his mind always turned back to neverland and his childhood friend. James eventually returned to Kensington Gardens, ready for the fairies to take him back so he could tell Peter all about his travels. But the gardens were empty. The fairies nowhere to be found. Desperate, James searched far and traveled wide to find any way to get to neverland again. His journey led him into more and more arcane practices, and as he delved deeper and deeper he found himself becoming involved in piracy, a suitable lifestyle to such darkly magical dealings. His obsession drove him through the years until, at long last, he found a way back to neverland and a crew willing to take the trip. His reunion was bittersweet, however, when he arrived to find Peter still a boy. You see, the fairies had failed to mention how time stands still in neverland. James was devastated. He tried to reconnect with his old friend, but Peter was disgusted with how James had grown up. “Never grow up! You promised!” Peter threw a fit as only he could. James became enraged, years of obsession breaking through to insanity. As the wind and sea swirled relentlessly around them, neverland itself in turmoil, James grabbed Peter by the neck, screaming, “WHY DIDN’T YOU COME WITH ME!!?” But Peter was quick with his blade, and with a single motion he severed James’s hand, throwing it overboard into the jaws of the great crocodile as he flew off into the night. In agony, James vowed his revenge. He would kill Peter Pan if it was the last thing he’d ever do…

Well? Does this movie need to be made or what!!?
Well? Does this movie need to be made or what!!?

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