Final Results: OkCupid vs Tinder (vs the universe)

The month is up. The results are in. Conclusion: using the incredibly representative sample of myself, I have created for you a comprehensive guide to your ideal mode of dating. Simply find the personality type below that bests fits you, followed by my suggestion for your best chance at finding Mr/Mrs Right. You see, during my month of using OkCupid (I’ll just say online dating in general), Tinder (or any other similar service), and taking my chances with the universe (as in that real-world entity that will kill you just as easily as it will give you free ice cream) I noticed several nuanced differences that gave insight into both the purpose and the practical function of each. Basically, if you are…

  • A social person with romantic prospects: Why are you even on here? Sounds like the universe is treating you well.
  • A social person without romantic prospects: You just need an easy way to meet new people. That’s pretty much why Tinder exists.
  • A non-social person with romantic prospects: The universe has given you a rare gift, and if you do not take it the universe will punish you.
  • A non-social person without romantic prospects: Online dating, of course. That’s pretty much why it exists.
Hold your seahorses, Patrick. I'm not done yet.
Hold your seahorses, Patrick. I’m not done yet.
  • A person with means to travel: The world is your dating pool, and you just need something to sort through it for you. Online dating.
  • Getting over a break-up: Tinder could be good for you. Either you’ll meet a lot of new people that will restore your hope in the world, or you’ll find a lot of sound-boards on which you can lay all your problems and never have to talk to again.
You ever think about how weird a reference looks to anyone who hasn’t seen the show?
  • Young (early 20s) and in a rut: Use Tinder to shake things up. You can try online dating for the long shot, but don’t count on it.
  • Young and not particularly inclined to dating, although you do want to eventually find a partner: Get an online dating account. It’ll put in the time and work that you don’t want to.
  • Young and hopelessly romantic, sure that at some point you will, in a chance meeting across a crowded room, find “the one”: The universe hates you. You’re going to have to deal with this.
  • A nerd who wants to find another nerd: you want a way to immediately tell if the other person will nerd with you to the extent of your nerdish delight. Online dating.
  • A geek who wants to find another geek: I’m pretty sure you’re already mixed up in several online forums and networks that’ll get you farther than I can here. That said, try online dating.
  • An athlete who wants to find another athlete: If you aren’t meeting enough people with all of your sports, then you’re sportsing wrong. However, I found that Tinder was rife with your kind of people, all identifiable from the very first picture. Go nuts.
  • A “bro”: Just… I don’t know. Go read some poetry.
But soft, what light through yonder... you know what, forget it.
But soft, what light through yonder… you know what, forget it.
  • Someone with a particular talent or expertise to which you’ve dedicated your life: You don’t have energy for creating a meaningful relationship from scratch. You’ll probably meet someone as you succeed at your thing anyway, so let’s just be honest; you want to show off. Get a Tinder and tell people how cool you are.
  • Someone with an obscure hobby or interest: Only in online dating will you find someone of your kind.
  • In your mid-twenties and looking to settle down: You’ve probably exhausted social options at this point. So you’ll want a Tinder account to quickly and easily meet new people. You’ll also want an online dating account to give yourself a better chance of finding a truly compatible partner.


  • In your mid-twenties and looking for fun: Tinder of course. Again, kind of why it exists.
  • In your mid-twenties and feel like there’s just no one around: Go for online dating, and branch out a bit beyond your town or city. You’ll meet people who are like you but who you’d have never met otherwise.
  • Past your mid-twenties: I have no clue. I assume you still date, and don’t just have cats or something. Leave a comment, let me know.
  • Cursed with poor history when it comes to meeting people: You need a place where you can feel safe and make exactly the impression you want. Online dating.
  • Simply attracted to attractive people: Grab a Tinder account and feel the power of casting judgment upon all who cross your screen.
  • Just too busy: Again, let an online dating service put in the time and do the work for you.
  • Funny: The world is your oyster. Doest as thou pleasest.
  • Funny looking: You are the world’s oyster. Pictures aren’t going to go well for you. Get out there and let the universe apologize.
  • Opinionated: Tinder will allow you to get in and get out before anybody realizes you’re obnoxious.
  • A serial killer: …you should give me your name and address and some incriminating evidence. No reason.
  • A superhero: You can’t take the chance of getting catfished by your nemesis. Plus the love of your life is probably falling off a building as you read this. You should take care of that.
  • A politician: Election campaign, online dating profile— it’s all the same lie, my friend.
  • Well dressed and well spoken: I’ll have my people contact your people.
  • Someone who cheats at Monopoly: I have nothing to say to you, you godless cretan.


As for my own results, I found (to my surprise and slight chagrin) Tinder to actually be preferable. In the past month I met several legitimately cool people (I was also propositioned to hook up more times than I care to remember) and I even met a woman I might have fallen for, in another life. As for OkCupid, my account produced a whopping 0 results; honestly, I think I’m just too young— and didn’t give quite enough time— for it to be effective. Who knows, if I’m still single in a few years maybe I’ll try this whole thing again. For now, though, I will end my experiment and see what the universe has in store.

Again, I feel sorry for anyone trying to get this reference without having watched the show. Just know that I WILL make it rain.

25 thoughts on “Final Results: OkCupid vs Tinder (vs the universe)

  1. This was hilarious and witty. I definitely had no luck on OkCupid myself, and Tinder is usually reserved for more fun. Unfortunately, the universe hasn’t been nice to me. But I figured I’d give it some time to thoroughly enjoy my early 20’s (almost mid 20’s, yikes!) self. Finish grad school. Go off into the work world. Travel. And have fun. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well thank you 🙂 and you know what? I know you’re supposed to live like there’s no tomorrow or whatever, but honestly we’ve got time. No need to worry about it, we’ve got all the time in the world.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Well yeah don’t people just have cats after that? Haha no you’re right, but after deliberating I figured I couldn’t adequately speak for any demographics after mid twenties. I just didn’t feel knowledgeable enough to extrapolate that far. At that point I would just be talking from a place of ignorance which is something I never like doing. Am I right to assume that you’re over 30? How’s the dating scene for you?


      1. Actually….I’m over 40, and I met my boyfriend on OK Cupid. Believe it or not, there are a lot of people my age and older who are dating. We’re the in-betwerners… too young for the dating sites meant for ‘mature’ daters, and too old for the hook up APS. Things worked out ok for me, though

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well congrats!! Yeah that sounds like a lot of people would find themselves between a rock and a hard place. I wish I could write something by way of encouragement, but I fear my all-of-23 years of experience just wouldn’t cut it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. According to your post, the universe hates me and I’m going to have to deal with it. Well, sort of.😉 No problem though, I’m in my teens so I’ve got time too. Good luck with your universe, it had better have something really good in store for you!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I live in a small town, but actually it’s not too bad. Helps being somewhat attractive. Not a nerd (although I love nerds) reasonably intelligent, and having a sense of humor. So…. I do alright. I’ve only tried POF but it makes me feel very….. Weird. Talking to that many people at once feels whorish.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. (Let me start by saying I have only general encouragement to share, nothing specific for anyone here.) I have found that to be successful in dating you first have to come to know yourself pretty well.

    “When you’re looking for someone, you’re looking for some aspect of yourself, even if you don’t know it … What we’re searching for is what we lack.”

    –Sam Shepard

    Sounds like an old cliche, but from my own personal experience and failure, I believe too many people are bringing high expectations and standards to the dating realm. What do we really need, and what can we live without? Should we give up because we cannot get what we want from others? Or is it our own attitude that needs to be tweaked? Popular culture loves to delude people into staying selfish, judgmental, and unsatisfied. It’s always someone else who has the problem, never us. A spark may be ready to ignite if we just put down our expectations and accept the faults in another (just as we love and accept ourselves). Remember that relationships are not perfect. They are messy and full of compromise. But that is required of anything that is worth having.

    I believe finding the right spark in another person becomes apparent when we open our hearts to the potential in everyone. Even if a person is no longer searching, having an open heart keeps the door open to love. Your heart is putting feelers out whether you know it or not, and they instinctively search for that spark. Life will surprise you, expectations will crumble away, and at a time when you least expect it or have given up, a spark will come out of no where in its own timing.

    Do not exhaustively seek out love, but never lose faith.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve actually met a lot of guys off of OkC. I’ve been on it for 4 months now and I’m also 34. Ancient by your terms but funny enough, I get messages from guys as young as 20. Go figure. And I have a dog. No cat lady title for me. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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