Ladies, I am about to commit the feminist’s cardinal sin. I am going to tell you what to do.
I know I know, what gives me the right and where do I get off and all that, but bear with me for just a second before you burn me at the stake. I actually want to give you a few things not to do, just some observations from my first week of online dating. I suppose these also apply to men, but as I’ve never gone through men’s dating profiles I’m sure I wouldn’t know what we’re doing wrong (I’m officially assigning that to one of y’all). Thing is, as I was on OkCupid perusing profiles and on Tinder mercilessly swiping left with the gusto of a Chinese warlord doling out execution orders, I developed a list of things that I got real sick of real quick. Then I reduced that list to things that were actually issues (vs my own sociopathic annoyances) and even pulled out some real life/relationship application. Ladies (and men, probably), These are a few things that I plead with you to stop doing.
1) Please don’t lie. “Haha I’m not 21, I’m actually 18!” Haha no. At this point I don’t care how hot you are, I will never take you seriously as a person, which won’t be an issue because I’m not going to swipe right or message you anyways. The worst part is that this isn’t a phenomenon found only in the online world. In fact we (people trying to impress other people) kind of do it ALL THE TIME!! Sure, we disguise it behind a playful “just kidding” or we justify seemingly harmless little ingratiating white lies (oh, you like [some music or food or movie]? Me too!) but it’s all the same thing. And unfortunately real life isn’t a 90s sitcom where we get caught and it’s all just a hilarious misunderstanding. No, in real life people are vulnerable. In real life broken, dysfunctional, and even abusive relationships usually start out with the promise of something great; great, but false.
2) Pretty please don’t use your friend as your hook. Let’s be honest, we all have a hook— it’s our selling point, that thing we display right from the start because we know it works. And while using your friends may work to bring in guys, I promise you it’s not for any of the reasons you want. You see, when I come across a profile picture where the girl is bunched together with all her girlfriends, three things happen for me: (1) I don’t know which one I’m supposed to be looking at, (2) when I finally figure it out, I can’t get a good look at her with everyone else crammed into the shot, and (3) a lot of times I find myself thinking that her friends are more attractive anyways. In a real life situation, those things can be summed up in three words— it. is. distracting. Unless you’re on a planned group date or your girlfriends are the greatest wing-women ever, you don’t need to use them as your hook. If you want a guy to be interested in you, you want him to be interested in YOU, not them.
3) Pretty please with a giant cherry on top, no more half-face profile pics. There are few things more obnoxious than trying to decipher what someone looks like from this
While it’s on par with the whole lying thing, there’s an even bigger issue here. Ladies, don’t you dare be ashamed of yourselves. Whether it’s your face or body or personality, I promise you don’t want somebody who is only attracted to half of you. You want somebody who sees you in your entirety and still thinks you’re pretty swell. No, you don’t have to lay all your crazy (let’s face it, we all have crazy) out on the table on the first date, but you should never feel as though any of you is not worthy or good enough to display proudly. And, yes, as far as online dating goes, that starts with your face. Your entire beautiful face.