Alone

Time and distance. I’m not sure which separates us now but

We might as well be worlds apart
For all the good it does me when I realize I’m alone,
When I forget that there’s a point,
Or just when I just want someone to hug and have and kiss and keep.

I know you’re not mine. Not yet.
Not ever?
But I promise I’ll be yours.

You should know that I never let you go, even when I probably should have.
No, not for a moment,
Even when I wanted to, tried to. There was no way I was going to settle.

I refuse to be content.

And I haven’t been; here I am years later. Entire lives later, really.
Hair styles, schools, states,
Everything’s changed and you’ll never know why or how.

Everything’s changed and it’s been painful and pointless and absolutely necessary.
Everything’s changed and I hope, because of and despite, that it’s all been for the better.
Everything’s changed
Except you, of course. You’re still there, the impossible dream. But everything’s changed.

 Is it possible to hurt you without ever knowing you?

I guess that’s irony?
Or is it expected?
Or is it desired.
Or is it even true.

 Selfishness is the only recourse when one is accountable solely to oneself.

 Isn’t that what this is all about, though? Isn’t that why I want you in the first place?

 Two statements of coexistent truth— I want love; I will be great.

I just don’t know how to connect them:

Do I use “and”?
I want love and I will be great and she’ll help me get there.

Or “but”?
I want love but I’m going to be great, and I know I can’t have you until then.

 Whatever you believe of greatness and destinies, I would die to defend that my latter is the former.

Would you do great things with me? Would you do great things yourself?
What is your destiny?
Are you meant to soar amidst the stars?
Do you even see that far?

 I see that far and further still.

But I know where I stand.
Someday I might even stand here with you.
For now, though, I’ll stand

Alone.

19 thoughts on “Alone

  1. Thank you for humbling my blog with your presence 🙂 It was the action required to lead me here… this is pure gold! I can’t explain how or why, but you literally exposed a hidden train of thought I have going on. the decision between doing something and being with someone… is it and/or indeed. I’m hoping it’s “and” 🙂 thanks again

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are very welcome, and I am humbled to say thank you. It’s always a bit nerve-racking to share deep personal feelings, and I feel vindicated to know that in doing so I’ve helped someone else in some small way.

      Liked by 1 person

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